Daddy

The grief counsellor had warned Nora something like this might happen...

After the wake, Nora carried Lily upstairs. David always hoisted her over his shoulder in a fireman’s lift and the bedtime story was his domain too, The Tiger that Came to Tea, Where the Wild Things Are, The Gruffalo. Often she’d heard him reading in a deep Gruffalo voice as she passed Lily’s door. Nora had done her best to explain that David was dead, using the class hamster as a reference. The animal had crossed the rainbow bridge during the holidays when Lily (really Nora) was caring for it. Lily was inconsolable until David arranged an elaborate burial in the back garden to distract her. David’s death was more abstract. He had fallen from a cliff on a birdwatching trip and the coroner delivered a verdict of death by misadventure. Nora kept Lily away from the funeral judging it too distressing for a four-year-old.

Tonight, there was no bedtime story. Lily didn’t stir as Nora tucked her under the duvet and she too fell asleep immediately, only to wake with a start an hour later. Her mouth was dry, and there was an ominous pain above her right eye heralding a migraine. Reluctantly, she swung her legs out of bed in search of painkillers.

She was half-way down the stairs when she heard the noise. It was coming from Lily’s room and it sounded like giggling.

‘Lily, are you OK darling?’ She went in to find Lily awake and clutching her pink toy rabbit. ‘Were you talking to rabbit?’

Lily shook her head.

‘Daddy was making me laugh.’

The grief counsellor had warned Nora something like this might happen and not to be alarmed if it did. She perched on the edge of Lily’s bed. ‘Daddy isn’t here, sweetheart. Do you remember? I told you he was in heaven, like Steve.’ Steve was the hamster.

‘But he was reading to me,’ Lily said firmly. ‘He always reads to me.’

‘That’s impossible, darling. Daddy can’t read anymore. Would you like me to read to you instead? What about Where the Wild Things Are?

‘Daddy says you were mean to him.’

Nora’s breath caught in her throat. Why had he told her that? Why upset her when she was far too young to understand?

*

The next morning, she drove to David’s office and his business partner, Will, let her in.

‘How are you doing?’ He’d asked her the same thing at the funeral and every time she’d spoken to him since.

Nora shrugged. ‘OK. As well as can be expected.’

The office was smaller and shabbier than she remembered. The business had been struggling for a while and they’d recently been forced to downsize.

‘Tea?’

Will gestured towards the kettle and she recognised David’s mug next to it. She’d given it to him when things were going well. Her heart tightened as she read the inscription - Living the Dream.

She shook her head. ‘No. I just came to collect his things.’

‘He said you’d kicked him out, a trial separation.’

Will’s voice was frosty. He blamed her, and he was right; she was a bitch. She’d fallen out of love with David and embarked on an affair with Oliver. Only Will didn’t know how difficult life was with David. How his relentless negativity and supine acceptance of whatever fate threw at him had ground her down. Yes, he was a good father, but partner not so much. Of course, she was sad he was gone, but it also made things easier. With his life insurance and the proceeds from the sale of the house, she and Oliver could buy a place in the country with a big garden for Lily to play in. They might even get a dog. She had always wanted a dog.

‘Is that it?’ She pointed at the cardboard box on what had once been David’s desk.

She unpacked it at the kitchen table. Inside was his laptop – password Lily4 - a framed photograph of the three of them at the beach, a bundle of pens held together with an elastic band, half a dozen paper clips, and a calculator. She put the laptop and the picture to one side and tipped the rest in the bin.

*

That night, she heard David’s voice. There was no mistaking it. It was deep and Gruffalo-like and punctuated by the sound of Lily’s laughter. The hairs rose on the back of her neck as she pushed open the door. Lily was sitting up in bed with the book next to her. Nora replaced it in the bookcase.

‘Daddy was reading that.’ Lily said crossly.

Nora scooped her up. ‘Daddy can’t read. Daddy’s dead.’

In her room, she read The Tiger Who Came to Tea until Lily fell asleep in the double bed, but she could still feel David’s presence. Like the ground elder strangling her roses, it was seemingly impossible to get rid of him.

*

The house sold quickly to a couple in their thirties. The woman exclaimed over the kitchen which Nora had painted in tasteful shades of Dimity and Ammonite, while the man searched for evidence of damp. Surprisingly, they paid the asking price. David would have pointed out that the boiler needed replacing, and the shower leaked, but Nora kept schtum.

*

On the drive to their new home in Devon, she waited until the fuel gauge had crossed the red line before stopping. Lily was asleep, and the cat had finally given up mewling and was glaring at her crossly from its carrier.

In the service station, she bought a coffee for herself and a cereal bar for Lily while watching the car through the window. When she got back, Lily was awake.

‘We’ll be there in half an hour,’ Nora said. ‘Oliver told me there’s a swing in the back garden, isn’t that exciting?’

She unwrapped the cereal bar and offered it to Lily who made a face.

‘Daddy says you shouldn’t eat between meals.’

‘Well Daddy isn’t here is he?’ Nora snapped then immediately felt guilty. It had been a stressful day.

‘He is,’ Lily insisted. ‘He’s coming with us.’

The temperature in the car seemed suddenly to drop and the driver behind them honked impatiently. Nora was frozen in horror. She could smell David’s aftershave and his aura permeated in the air like damp fog, sad and accusatory.

Instead of going to the new house where Oliver was waiting, she abandoned the car a public car park and called Oliver to fetch them, saying there was a problem with the steering.

*

She sold the car to a dealer the next day, but it wasn’t until several weeks later that she returned from work to find a parcel on the doorstep. It was wrapped in brown paper and she waited until she was inside to open it. The Gruffalo. She recognised the book immediately. A note from the dealer fluttered out.

We found this under the back seat when we valeted your car, apologies for the delay in returning it.

For a second, she was too shocked to move then, holding the book away from her body as if it might explode, she dashed to the door. A fine mist trailed from its pages and coalesced into a cloud as she fumbled with the door handle.

‘No, no, you can’t do this.’ Nora batted frantically at the cloud. It wasn’t fair. All she wanted was to move on with her life, to move on with their lives. ‘You complete and utter bastard, David.’

The cloud hung in the air for a moment as if it was finding its bearings before drifting purposefully across the parquet and up the stairs, finally vanishing into Lily’s room.

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