Naughty or Nice?

To avoid disappointment, read this before you post your Christmas wish list...

Photograph by Laurent Peignault

Christmas is almost upon us, and while I wrestle with a seasonal ghost story, I thought it would be fun to post something lighter. A friend complained that someone always dies at the end of my stories, so here is a piece that is entirely devoid of death, ghosts, rabid sheep, or aliens who want to steal your skin.

You’re welcome!

Fran x

B. You’ve reached Santa’s workshop, Bernard speaking. How can I be of assistance?

S. Hi Bernard. I’d like to change my order, please.

B. Order?

S. You know the list you have to write every year and send to the North Pole?

B. Oh, you mean the wish list. Could I have your name, please, and your age, and I’ll see if I can find it on the system. Do you know if you’re naughty or nice?

S. Susan Pemberton, fifty-three, and I’m definitely on the nice. Check my OnlyFans page if you don’t believe me.

B. Thank you, Susan. I’m just going to put you on hold for a moment while I have a look.

A tinny rendition of Last Christmas plays.

B. Did you request a Ferrari? Red with a white leather interior? Not fussy about the model as long as it’s faster than the neighbour’s new Audi.

S. Yes, but I’d like to change it to a villa. My husband did a speeding awareness course, and he doesn’t want to get caught again. He said they were the longest three hours of his life and he’d rather have hot needles inserted into his eyes. We were thinking of somewhere hot, Bali or maybe Antigua. The cold weather plays havoc with his sciatica. Three or four bedrooms with a pool would be perfect, and a sea view.

B. I’m sorry, we don’t gift villas or Ferraris. It’s an artisanal operation; everything is lovingly crafted by real elves in our workshop. I could offer you a spinning-top or perhaps a wooden locomotive? Both are hand-finished and come with a two-year warranty that can be renewed for a small fee.

S. Do I sound like someone who wants a wooden locomotive, Bernard? Honestly, this is very disappointing. Are you sure there is nothing you can do? Perhaps one of those flat-pack houses the Germans are so keen on?

B. Unfortunately not. However, we have some jigsaws left. There’s one of a beach and a palm tree that’s very popular with our more mature clients. It’s based on a picture Prancer took in the Seychelles.

S. You deliver to the Seychelles?

B. We deliver everywhere, although we’ll be giving America a miss this year. We don’t want the sleigh being randomly blown up or Santa deported to some gulag in the jungle, not to mention the sixty percent tariff they’ve slapped on goods from the North Pole.

S. And a jigsaw is the best you can do?

B. I’m afraid so. It’s a very nice jigsaw. My wife has one, and she loves it. I could throw in a yoyo as a goodwill gesture? Nothing livens up Christmas like a yoyo.

S. How about a sauna? They’re made of wood and, according to the Daily Mail, saunas are the new hot tubs.

B. Sorry, no saunas. Our mission at Santa’s workshop is to create memories you will treasure forever.

S. You can create memories in a sauna, Bernard, trust me. Did I mention my OnlyFans page?

B. Jigsaw or no jigsaw?

S. Fine. Just tell the reindeer to watch out for the twenty mile an hour speed limit.

B. I’ll pass the message on. Merry Christmas, Susan.

A tinny rendition of Fairytale of New York plays.

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If you enjoyed Santa’s Helpline, please give it a like and a share. It only takes a second, but it means a lot!

Also check out this piece I wrote in a similar vein last year.

https://francesbrindle.substack.com/p/christmas-is-cancelled

Or if you’re itching for a ghost story…

https://francesbrindle.substack.com/p/a-haunting